


Regret

by Savanna (terrified_dreamer)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: AFTER IW, Other, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-18 22:29:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15496083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terrified_dreamer/pseuds/Savanna
Summary: He knows he has to tell Aunt May eventually, and Peter's friends too--if they're alive. He doesn't want to, but really, heroes aren't allowed to want anything. He can't call in sick. He's Iron Man.





	Regret

_“Sir, please...please."_

 

 

Getting home to Earth had been far from easy. Being home had been worse. After the talking raccoon and the blue cyborg lady found a way to get him home, Tony had been swept up into a universal terror.

The whole world was terrified--half of the population was gone. Nobody knew what to do except to turn to their governments and their heroes. Only, half of the governments were gone, and so were the heroes. No one was there in the U.S. except Tony, and Tony couldn't handle that responsibility.

Happy was alive, and he swerved in to save his boss. Besides asking if he was okay, Happy didn't ask any questions, and Tony was glad for it. He nearly hugged him.

Pepper was waiting for him at home. She asked him questions, of course. He didn't answer them; he knew she didn't expect him to.

Pepper patched him up herself, knowing that hospitals weren't separated from the world's chaos. She asked about the stab wound, and again, Tony didn't answer. After saying that he loved her in the doorway, he hadn't said anything more. But Pepper was patient with him, and he was immensely glad for it. 

She forced him to shower, to clean the blood and dirt off of him. After Tony complied, Happy left to check on his remaining family. Pepper waited alone, sitting close by the bathroom so she could hear the water running. Once he was clean, she handed him some comfortable clothing.

They ended up going to bed immediately, Pepper knowing how exhausted they both were.

She wrapped an arm around him. "Tony..." she whispered. 

Tony found himself unable to answer, staring blankly at the wall. 

"Tony," she pressed on. She needed to know what was going on. She needed to know why he wasn't speaking, why half of the world was dust, why he was the only Avengers member there. Tony knew she was only concerned, he knew she didn't know what had happened, and he knew she wasn't blaming him when she asked, “What about the others?”

He broke down into hysterical sobbing for the first time in a long time.

The worst part of it all was that he had known. He had seen it; not just in that vision, but way before then. He knew he only brought trouble, that he only brought destruction even when trying to do something good. He had brought his parents joy, he had brought his parents pain. He had led a team to victory, he had led a team to destruction.

He had shown a kid the world, and he had taken the world away from him.

Pepper sat them both up and wrapped him in a tight hug.

Tony was in his bed, in his home, safe away from the chaos of restless people, safe from governments struggling to unite, safe from other's ridicule, judgment, and hatred. Yet, he wasn't comforted by Pepper's arms around him or by the warmth of his home.

Because when he had showered and washed his hands, he was washing off Peter Parker.

The kid--God, he was only a kid--who had put so much trust into him. The kid who looked up to him despite all of his flaws. The kid Tony had gone soft for. The kid Tony had wanted to help, to see grow into someone great...someone better.

He had ruined it all. Peter had told him that himself. 

_“It's kind of your fault that I'm here...I-I take that back!”_

He had been right, Tony had realized. It was his fault for giving him the spidersuits, but in reality, it had been his fault the moment he showed up at his aunt's apartment. Wasn't he insane for recruiting a fifteen year old?

Tony wondered if he regretted it. It was a sickening thought, to wonder if Peter had regretted everything as he held onto him for dear life. 

Or, and this thought was worse, maybe Peter didn't regret anything except being unable to stop Thanos. Maybe the kid was being as pure and loyal as ever. 

_“I'm sorry, Tony. I'm sorry.”_

Tony knew him. He had a guess as to what Peter was apologizing for.

It hurt.

Pepper rubbed circles on Tony's back. “Are you alright?” She whispered gently. It was a dumb question, but she didn't know what else to say.

Tony pulled away slightly to meet her gaze. He looked exhausted, and his left eye had received another bruise somewhere along the way. 

He silently buried his face into her chest as an answer. She rubbed more circles on his back, and kissed the top of his head. 

After a while, Pepper had to sleep. It was early morning already, and they both would be very busy. She slept, but Tony couldn't. 

He had met some very strange people. Dr. Strange, the Mr. Clean dude, and the guy who didn't seem to know that he was from Earth. All very strange people; people he had only just met, and yet already he was feeling sorrow for them. Then, there was Peter of course. 

He'd have to tell Aunt May. Peter's friends, too.

If they were alive. 

_“I don't wanna go...”_

Tony squeezed his eyes shut and tried to force himself to sleep, but he knew that it never worked. He wasn't going to get any rest. If he did, it would no doubt be accompanied by exhausting nightmares.

He wondered if Bruce was alive. And Steve. Natasha, Rhodes, Barton, Wanda, Sam. Vision. Thor.

Tony sat up in the dark and felt around the table next to the bed for his phone. It was right where he had left it, when he thought he wouldn't need it because he had his new high-tech glasses. 

Tony squinted as the screen lit up, too bright. He unlocked it and went to his messages. 

He clicked several contacts. He didn't have everyone's numbers, but he had some. His thumbs hovered over the keyboard as he wondered what to say. He didn't want to be blunt about it, but he didn't want to type out an essay talking around it either. 

Tony decided after a while and typed it slowly. It sent. 

**Hey.**

He stared at the nearly empty group chat, waiting. Maybe it was a dumb idea. Who knows if anyone even had service. He didn't know where anyone was. 

Tony went and looked at his other messages as he waited. He had Fury's number from ages ago. There were some messages with Secretary of State and other similar people, people he hadn't actually added to his contacts list.

Suddenly his phone buzzed. He was a little nervous to look at the message. His phone buzzed again. 

There were two messages from Steve Rogers.

**I think we should meet up and talk**

**It's good to hear from you, Tony.**

He let out a noise, a mix of a laugh and a scoff. 

He set his phone down and pulled his blanket up. He'd deal with the details later, when he didn't have a headache or clouded thoughts. When he wasn't afraid of having nightmares about his loved ones turning to dust.

As he laid in bed exhausted yet wide awake, he wondered about telling the others about Peter. As if Pepper wasn't right there. Tony decided against it. He was sure they had their own losses.

The truth about Peter stayed with him and him alone. The truth about it _all_ stayed with him alone. It had ended up different than the vision Wanda had so kindly given him. It had been worse than the vision, in more ways than one. Tony wondered why it was him, why he had to be the one to cause it all. For a second, he blamed Strange, but that was just out of anger at himself. The wizard had looked through so many possibilities, and there was only one certainty, yet Tony couldn't even hold onto that. They had lost. Everything felt over, even as half of the population still had beating hearts.

He felt useless, yet so incredibly used by the universe that he just wanted to crumble to dust himself. God, why the kid and not him? Peter seemed so much stronger than him at that moment, even as the kid cried out in pain and fear. Even then, the kid was stronger than him, and had more of a chance to save the world. 

Tony sighed and reached up to rub his temples. He had a headache again.

_"When you do the things I can, but you don't, and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you."_

He knew he had to wake up in the morning and text Steve, and go to wherever Steve was to talk about what the hell they were going to do. He didn't really want to, but heroes can't just call in sick--especially not now. But was there a point to it? It seemed that even if he _did_ do what he was supposed to, bad things still happened. There was no light at the end of the tunnel for him. He had figured that out a long time ago.

His phone suddenly buzzed on the bedside table. He squinted at the bright screen to look. Steve had texted him again.

**We lost Bucky, Sam, Vision, and Wanda.**

Tony felt his heart physically ache. He was glad Steve had been straightforward about it, at least.

His fingers hovered over the keyboard, but he hesitated. Did Steve even remember Peter from the airport? 

**I lost Peter. The spider kid.**

**Do you know about Thor or Hawkeye**

**Pepper's safe with me**

He hated the way it sounded, to say that he had lost Peter, as if Peter had simply walked off in a mall. 

**Thor's with us.**

Tony texted back a simple 'ok'. The screen was too much. He set his phone down and turned around, facing Pepper. The sun was about to rise already. His phone buzzed again but he didn't look at it. He wanted to sleep for a long time.

Steve was hurting too, then; in a big way, Tony was sure. He had seen what Steve would do when he lost Bucky. What would he do when he lost him permanently?

Tony let out a deep sigh. It was the end of the line. The end of the path. He couldn't imagine what would happen now. He had been so focused on the end of that line that he never imagined what would happen after. He feared only more bad things would come.

He had expected the end of that path to be the end of him. He had been sure of it. And if that was true, then that only meant one thing. This path, this line, wasn't over.

Tony definitely wasn't going to get any sleep.


End file.
